Damn You

And the loop begins once again as I anticipated. The sooner I start to feel all cosy and warm inside it's like a rush of wind wipes it out and leaves me feeling abandoned. The will to run and disappear from this world grows stronger with every passing day and I feel like control is spiralling out my reach. It's like a fight inside my head rises, one telling me to stay numb, that it is the best for me. Take your meds, don't create attachments, they only give you pain and you know it, you've trusted before and now you have a nice cigar burn scar on your chest that reminds you of how people's nature really is. The other says I'm just a crazy bitch who needs to cut the crap and stop holding everything inside and live for once. I don't know honestly, which one to obey. And when I try to decide, good old Shakespeare comes to my head with his beautiful words from Hamlet (just the best play ever written, thank you) "Best safety lies in fear". And in fear I live in.

 

It is my birthday today and, as usual, I feel down... I did however purchased a crown that say Birthday Princess that I will wear and be made fun of. Why I did that I have no idea, but the idea seemed funny to me and I guess I can always laugh at myself for looking ridiculous. This day will consist in going to my doctor to schedule an appointment so she can see how I'm doing and if I'm improving ( I want to improve, I truly want, but at the same time, being locked up away is like my getting out of here ticket), dinner with the family and going out with friends and people to see Portuguese Folk. Why am I not going to be with, what you call, close friends? They are all busy already... Sadly, I am ok with that. I'm not expecting presents from people, as I feel I'm not worth the trouble of thinking of it, but I was surprised in knowing I have one waiting for me. It's sitting there, in my bookshelf, begging to be opened but, as a woman of word, I promised to open it in front of the sweet gentleman who gave it. I know it's a book, I can tell by its shape and dear lord, you know me... Give me books and I'll go crazy. Last year, I received as a gift a book of the complete works of Shakespeare and oh boy, was I hysterical. Anyway, I think it will be a good day, mainly due to the company. My plans include in not getting too drunk because if you don't know what happens, I'll tell so you can laugh. I get tipsy and all giggly, and everything is wonderful and I put on my earplugs to some tune, probably to some Lana del Rey or some blues and I start to dance. That is right, this shy little creature likes to dance, in a very quirky way I might add, because I enter this trance state which very very! few people had the delight to see.

In my last day off I went to Sintra with three gentlemen who made my day, and only managed to have on major anxiety attack (forgetting the pills helped with that) which is totally worth celebrating for me as two of these three gentlemen were new to me. So big round of applause, I totally deserve it!

Probably the funniest moment of the night

And talking about Sintra, I recollected this old pictures of me from when I went there the last time

Because it's been awhile since my ass showed up so there you go guys