Happy Birthday to me

I look joyful as fuck

Damn You

And the loop begins once again as I anticipated. The sooner I start to feel all cosy and warm inside it's like a rush of wind wipes it out and leaves me feeling abandoned. The will to run and disappear from this world grows stronger with every passing day and I feel like control is spiralling out my reach. It's like a fight inside my head rises, one telling me to stay numb, that it is the best for me. Take your meds, don't create attachments, they only give you pain and you know it, you've trusted before and now you have a nice cigar burn scar on your chest that reminds you of how people's nature really is. The other says I'm just a crazy bitch who needs to cut the crap and stop holding everything inside and live for once. I don't know honestly, which one to obey. And when I try to decide, good old Shakespeare comes to my head with his beautiful words from Hamlet (just the best play ever written, thank you) "Best safety lies in fear". And in fear I live in.

 

It is my birthday today and, as usual, I feel down... I did however purchased a crown that say Birthday Princess that I will wear and be made fun of. Why I did that I have no idea, but the idea seemed funny to me and I guess I can always laugh at myself for looking ridiculous. This day will consist in going to my doctor to schedule an appointment so she can see how I'm doing and if I'm improving ( I want to improve, I truly want, but at the same time, being locked up away is like my getting out of here ticket), dinner with the family and going out with friends and people to see Portuguese Folk. Why am I not going to be with, what you call, close friends? They are all busy already... Sadly, I am ok with that. I'm not expecting presents from people, as I feel I'm not worth the trouble of thinking of it, but I was surprised in knowing I have one waiting for me. It's sitting there, in my bookshelf, begging to be opened but, as a woman of word, I promised to open it in front of the sweet gentleman who gave it. I know it's a book, I can tell by its shape and dear lord, you know me... Give me books and I'll go crazy. Last year, I received as a gift a book of the complete works of Shakespeare and oh boy, was I hysterical. Anyway, I think it will be a good day, mainly due to the company. My plans include in not getting too drunk because if you don't know what happens, I'll tell so you can laugh. I get tipsy and all giggly, and everything is wonderful and I put on my earplugs to some tune, probably to some Lana del Rey or some blues and I start to dance. That is right, this shy little creature likes to dance, in a very quirky way I might add, because I enter this trance state which very very! few people had the delight to see.

In my last day off I went to Sintra with three gentlemen who made my day, and only managed to have on major anxiety attack (forgetting the pills helped with that) which is totally worth celebrating for me as two of these three gentlemen were new to me. So big round of applause, I totally deserve it!

Probably the funniest moment of the night

And talking about Sintra, I recollected this old pictures of me from when I went there the last time

Because it's been awhile since my ass showed up so there you go guys

There is a light that never goes out

Today is the anniversary of my blog. It's been a year since I started this and even though is not as much updated as I hoped it would be, I felicitate myself for being able to keep it for this long. 

Now my lovely readers, I would to post a huge wall of text on how my life is going but to be honest, it's 6:30 of the morning and my brain does not compute (and this is me trying to be funny). I'll be turning 22 next week and I do not look foward to it because the idea of becoming old is something that scares me. I guess I was always the type of girl Live fast, die young. 

I've been having an amazing week, just by spending the nights playing LoL with friends who I haven't talked to in a while and some new ones that I met. Surprisingly, my anxiety hasn't kicked in and that makes me feel so very happy. I know people find it strange, I mean it's just people talking, but for me that is one hell of accomplishment. With that I can only conclude two things. Either half of my medication is enough or I've "met" some pretty cool people.

Before the gaming session started

 Things between me and the ex are coming to the point of impossible and even though I wish I could offer him what he wanted I just don't have the strength anymore. As this is a delicate subject, I will only confide in those who ask and that I see are trust-worthy.

Like I've said before I'm very happy with this set and I already have ideas for a next one, and since this week I'll have two days off I will use one of them for that.
So with this half assed post I bid you all a very good night, and I leave you with the rest of the photos, including a non edited one (like that's a fuckin big deal).

 

Unedited 

Love etc

This one is probably my favourite of all, I love how it turned out. The editing, my face, my eyes... I can't remember what was going on my head but I'm really pleased with the end result.

Please click it to see it full size and the details.

Last Waltz

          Hello everyone, been almost a month since I decided to update this with my boring life, but with, what I hope to be, interesting pictures. As it seems obvious, my hair changed again to the old red, which seems to please everyone. In the last weeks a lot has happened. Good and bad things happened. Last month on my last check up I was confronted with my body and mental health and the prognostic doesn't seem promising. Being threatened that If I don't gain health and become more "mentally stable" I will be institutionalized in some goddamn hospital makes me cringe. Although the idea of not having to worry about anything, being taken care of me and spending the day all doped out seems appealing, it's just not my style. I've met some amazing people since I moved in, some truly amazing people who I love to have a drink with, and just when I thought everything was going nicely, my anxiety decided to show up like "Surprise Motherfucka!" and fuck the all thing. I believe it was because I haven't take my meds, and worst, I've ran out of two for the past two weeks. Being on Socian and Sertralina for my depression derived from social anxiety, I was prescribed another two, Forticol and Arcalion, the first one being for psychic disorders(?) and the other for fatigue. I've ran out of Socian and Sertralina for almost 3 weeks and stopped taken Forticol and Arcalion last week, which I believe led to my meltdown. Worst of all is when you try to explain to people why you were such an idiot, and they look at you like you're trying to pull some bullshit. I guess it's hard to tell people "yes I am mentally ill", sort of". I never liked that term.

The meds I'm currently on

Another big happening was the breaking up between and my 7 year partner. Although at the begging it seemed right, I start to doubt my own thoughts, especially because of my condition. This is the guy that not only tolerates, but accepts that this is me. And with the passing days I start to remember why I fell in love with him in the first place. It's like I can see past his flaws, and it's only fair, since he saw past mine. By any chance am I saying "Hey everything is fine, oh you know..." but they seem better. I am, however, enjoying the single life of going out and having drinks. I guess it's a matter of finding balance.

The last few days to me have been so good, I've been feeling so happy that I seem to forget all my problems and concerns. I hope more like this will come in the future. I am also finishing this book, which was recommended to me, called A Sombra do Vento (The Shadow of the Wind) by Luis Ruiz Zafon. I can only read it in my way to and back to work, but oh lord, it has gotten me excited. 

Now on to the part that matters: The pictures, because lets all face it, no one reads shit this long.

I am very pleased with this set, I was in, what you could call, a fiery frail state when I took them. O have no idea if that translates into the pictures, but people always said everything is pretty obvious with my eyes so lets hope I succeed in that. In this set I decided to edit most of the pictures in colour and black and white, mainly because I'm training my black and white "technique"(look at me, talking like a pro) and I think it sets a different mood. Like two faced meaning. Or that I'm just an egocentric bitch who likes seeing herself looking all glammed up and shit, I don't know, you decide. 

I will not post them all on this post, and will release them in the next days, so I can have an excuse to update this, but I can tell I will leave the best for last.

So without further ado, I bid you all a very goodnight.

Polly